1) In lieu of human or animal companionship, bring a plant. They don’t judge you when you start talking to them after ten hours of driving. When unable to obtain a plant, bring a phrenology bust as a companion. Better yet, bring both!
If neither of those options exist, anthropomorphize your car by giving her a cool name and pretend that the Google maps voice is hers. What the heck! Go crazy and do all three.
2) Derby folks, do not, under any circumstances, use your skills of weaving, blocking, or hitting an opponent while driving. Even if the Chevy Blazers and Jeep Cherokees look like giant quad skates. Use your powers only for good.
3) Don’t think about the fact that if your car died out here, there is a chance that they won’t find you until your bones have been bleached by the sun.
4) Sing “Come on Eileen” at the top of your lungs. Get wild-eyed while you’re doing it. Really get in touch with those emotions. Bonus points if you sing through a swinging pendulum of tears and hysteria as you pass the semis and road crews. Wave and smile. Realize later you may be PMSing. Be grateful that you are alone and don’t have to subject anyone else to your terrifying mania.
5) Try not to puncture one of the PBR cans you bought last night and put into your bag next to the corkscrew you brought (just in case!) while you are driving down the interstate at 80 miles per hour.
6) Bring papertowels. See above. (You were right, gramps, I did need them.)
7) Accept your fate as Harvey Dent after half of you spends hours in the sun.
8) Don’t bother putting deodorant on. Or showering. Shave off precious minutes, not your leg hairs! The road doesn’t care.
9) When realizing you need a break, make sure to do so when there is only one place to stop in 100 miles and that it is the creepiest gas station you’ve ever seen. Bonus if you suspect the attendant may be a serial killer. Be nice just in case she’s making a list.
10) You’re not there yet. Stop thinking about it.
11) When interacting with locals, remember that you are the weird one.
12) Appreciate just how fucking small and insignificant you are.
13) Weed helps.